Saying power: The greatest (and funniest) sex quotes of all time

For a number of years now, I have been collecting famous and not-so-famous quotes about various aspects of sexual behaviour. Some of these are funny, some satirical, some literary, some poignant, and some just make you think about sex in a slightly different way. Obviously I can’t take any credit for this collection apart from the way I have edited and categorized the quotes. I hope you find something here that tickles your fancy.

General quotes about sex

  • “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power” (Oscar Wilde)
  • “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant” 
(George Burns)
  • “Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it” (Richard Feynman)
  • “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL” (P.J. O’Rourke)
  • “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it” (Woody Allen)
  • “An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex” (Aldous Huxley)
  • “Sex is emotion in emotion” (Mae West)
  • “Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other” (Marquis de Sade)
  • “Sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble” (John Barrymore)
  • “Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets” (Andy Warhol)
  • “My brain: it’s my second favorite organ” (Woody Allen)
  •  “Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful – provided you get between the right man and the right woman” (Woody Allen)
  •  “Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right” (Woody Allen)
  • “Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off” (Anon)
  • “Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. ‘Yes’ is the answer’” (Swami X)
  • “It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover” (Marge Piercy)
  • “Sex:  the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable” (Lord Chesterfield)
  • “The tragedy is when you’ve got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs” (D.H. Lawrence)
  • “I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now” (Anon)
  • “Sex is interesting, but it’s not totally important. I mean it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion.  A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement” (Charles Bukowski)
  • “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night’ (Rodney Dangerfield)
  • “Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got” (Sophia Loren)

Sex and reproduction

  • “It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins” (Chinese Proverb)
  • “Familiarity breeds contempt – and children” (Mark Twain)
  • “Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around” (David Lodge)
  • “The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The hypothalamus controls the ‘Four F’s’: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating” (Marvin Dunnette)
  • “Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids” (Anon)
  • “The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water. Not before or after, but instead” (Anon)
  • “My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one” (Bob Hope)

Sex and love

  • “The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it” (Woody Allen)
  • “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best” (Woody Allen)
  • “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions” (Woody Allen)
  • “Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics” (Anon)
  • “Love ain’t nothing but sex misspelled” (Harlan Ellison)
  • “Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin – it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring” (S.J. Perelman)

Men on female sexuality

  • “My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she’s reading” 
(Steve Jobs
  • “You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither” (Steve Martin)
  •  “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch”
(Jack Nicholson)
  • “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet”
(Robin Williams)
  • “Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place”
(Billy Crystal)
  • “When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows” (Frederike Ryder)
  • “I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them” (Jay McInerney)
  • “Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite” (Mignon McLaughlin)
  • “My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects” (Les Dawson)
  • “Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography” (Robert Byrne)
  • “Men get laid, but women get screwed” (Quentin Crisp)
  • “Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man” (Mignon McLaughlin)

Women on male sexuality

  • “I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away” (Phyllis Diller)
  • “One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other” (Jane Austen)
  • “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships”
(Sharon Stone)
  • “Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex” (Barbara Cartland)
  • “I know nothing about sex, because I was always married” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
  • “Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands” (Jayne Mansfield)


  • “Don’t knock masturbation – it’s sex with someone I love” 
Woody Allen
  • “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand” (Woody Allen)
  • “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own” (Woody Allen)
  • Masturbation: The primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it’s a cure” (Thomas Szasz)
  • “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation” (Lily Tomlin)
  • “The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it” (Truman Capote)
  • “A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation” (Karl Kraus)

Chastity, impotence, and medical problems

  • “Lord, grant me chastity and continence…but not yet” (St. Augustine)
  • “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope” (George Burns)
  • “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” (Dustin Hoffman)
  • “Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions” (Aldous Huxley)
  • “To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it” (Cary Grant)
  •  “Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast” (Woody Allen)
  • “The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul” (William B. Yeats)
  • “Nature abhors a virgin – a frozen asset” (Clare Boothe Luce)

Sexual perversion

  • “The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform” (Alfred Kinsey)
  • “The only unnatural sexual behaviour is none at all” (Sigmund Freud)
  • “There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats” (Elton John
  • “Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time” (Anon)
  • “An erection is like the Theory of Relativity – the more you think about it, the harder it gets” (Anon)
  • “I’m all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults” (Gore Vidal)
  • “Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken” (Anon)
  • “During sex I fantasize that I’m someone else” (Richard Lewis)
  • “It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses” (Mrs. Patrick Campbell)


  • “Pornography is whatever gives the Judge an erection” (Anon)
  • Pornography: That which excites, whether from approval or disapproval” (Leonard Rossiter)
  • “My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live” (Erica Jong)
  • “The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting” (Gloria Leonard)
  • “What’s the difference between art and pornography? A government grant!” (Peter Griffin)
  • “Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand” (Angela Lambert)
  • “Pornography is in the loin of the beholder” (Charles Rembar)
  • “Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume?” (Richard Fleischer)
  • “A dirty book is rarely dusty” (Anon)
  • “A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction” (J.G. Ballard)
  • “To know the difference between erotica and pornography you must first know the difference between naked and nude” (Bernard Poulin)
  • “Playboy exploits sex the way Sports Illustrated exploits sports” (Hugh Hefner)
  • “Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it” (D.H. Lawrence)
  • “Pornography tells lies about women. But pornography tells the truth about men” (John Stoltenberg)


  • “I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt” (Groucho Marx). 
  • “When a guy goes to a prostitute, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave” (Anon)
  • “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute” (Anon)
  • “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less” (Brendan Francis Behan)
  • “I once knew a woman who offered her honor. So I honored her offer
and all night long I was on her and off her” (Anon)
  • “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy” 
(Tom Clancy)

Sex, psychiatry, and surveys

  • “With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. We’ll never see each other!” (Rodney Dangerfield) 
  • “A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly:  ‘Because everything does’” (Honor Tracy)
  • “I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a women in my life who would give up lunch” (Erma Bombeck)
  • “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful”
 (Robert De Niro)

Sex addiction

  • “I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex women who have saved someone’s life” (Mitch Hedberg)“
  • “Sex.  In America an obsession.  In other parts of the world a fact” (Marlene Dietrich)

Sex, God and religion

  • “I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty” (John Waters)
  • “Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” (Rita Rudner)
  • “The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there’s nobody to talk to during an orgasm” (Anon)
  • “When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities” (Matt Groening)
  • “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:  One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell.  The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love” (Butch Hancock)
  • “To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals” (Don Schrader)
  • “Sex is God’s joke on human beings” (Bette Davis)
  • “Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!” (George Bernard Shaw)
  • “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time” (Robin Williams)


  • “What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!'” (Ken Hammond)
  • “You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct” (W. Somerset Maugham)
  • “Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?” (Murray Banks)

About drmarkgriffiths

Professor MARK GRIFFITHS, BSc, PhD, CPsychol, PGDipHE, FBPsS, FRSA, AcSS. Dr. Mark Griffiths is a Chartered Psychologist and Professor of Behavioural Addiction at the Nottingham Trent University, and Director of the International Gaming Research Unit. He is internationally known for his work into gambling and gaming addictions and has won many awards including the American 1994 John Rosecrance Research Prize for “outstanding scholarly contributions to the field of gambling research”, the 1998 European CELEJ Prize for best paper on gambling, the 2003 Canadian International Excellence Award for “outstanding contributions to the prevention of problem gambling and the practice of responsible gambling” and a North American 2006 Lifetime Achievement Award For Contributions To The Field Of Youth Gambling “in recognition of his dedication, leadership, and pioneering contributions to the field of youth gambling”. His most recent award is the 2013 Lifetime Research Award from the US National Council on Problem Gambling. He has published over 600 research papers, four books, over 130 book chapters, and over 1000 other articles. He has served on numerous national and international committees (e.g. BPS Council, BPS Social Psychology Section, Society for the Study of Gambling, Gamblers Anonymous General Services Board, National Council on Gambling etc.) and is a former National Chair of Gamcare. He also does a lot of freelance journalism and has appeared on over 2000 radio and television programmes since 1988. In 2004 he was awarded the Joseph Lister Prize for Social Sciences by the British Association for the Advancement of Science for being one of the UK’s “outstanding scientific communicators”. His awards also include the 2006 Excellence in the Teaching of Psychology Award by the British Psychological Society and the British Psychological Society Fellowship Award for “exceptional contributions to psychology”.

Posted on March 15, 2014, in Case Studies, Compulsion, Gender differences, Obsession, Popular Culture, Pornography, Psychology, Religion, Sex, Sex addiction and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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